Hurt

(originally posted on Myspace)

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Hurt Current mood: distressed The past few days have been really painful, if for no other reason than the fact that I feel completely and utterly alone on campus. I have made the decision to cling to my God, and I know all comfort is mine in that decision, but I can't help but feel a certain sense of longing. "It feels good to be single again in a college town," I tell Corrinne. And it does. I go where I want when I want with who I want and I don't have to worry about some fella always trying to hold me back. I don't do well with chains; I was born to fly. When friends came over the other day, they asked me why I never did any crazy stuff anymore. Because I'm flying solo. My freshman year sidekick is married in Orem, my sophomore year sidekick is...no longer part of the equation, and everyone else who qualifies for the once-coveted position is wrapped up in a binding relationship. Whether it's all my engaged friends, nearly engaged, married, or two soul sisters, I am, from every angle, the odd man out. So I could make new friends. It's what I'm good at, after all. I can only hang on to something for so long before it lets go of me and I have become a master at changing everything. I have moved 6 times in 2 years, had more jobs than I can remember, and I'm on my fourth car. Change is fun and all, but it's getting a little old. As for the "hanging on," I don't know why I do it. I am hanging on to a friendship that died over a year ago via wedding, a missionary who will probably take a different road when he comes home, and a safe bundle of lies to keep me believing that today is not spent alone in this world. I know it's asking a lot, but I would really just like to fit somewhere. The die-hard individualist has finally conceded. I just want to be part of something, to be able to hang out with friends without feeling weird, and knowing that they all love me (and I love them.) My conversation with Corrinne went along the lines of "I love being single because I get to play it up. I'm only cute and young once. I like to roll with the punches, so I don't get hurt hardly ever." I don't remember it being this hard to 'play the field.' So what if one of the prospectives brings some girl to my apartment? So what if an old friend is dating my ex? So what if I'm just that adventurous girl everyone loves, but doesn't want to date? Forget dating, I just want to be able to have a close friendship. Sigh; now I'm rambling. These things shouldn't matter to me, but they do. Happy weekend.