 | Oneness
Category: Religion and Philosophy This blog is a follow-up to the previous titled "hurt." Don't worry if you didn't read it; the important parts wil be reiterated.
The other day, I woke up with a horrible feeling. My first thoughts went to a special missionary who comes home in a month. I had dreamed the night before that he had, in every way, refused me and I was stuck alone. This dream may not prove to be too far from reality, as he seems to have joined another path already. Still I hold on. In an effort to calm myself, I turned my thoughts to what should have been more pleasant: Reflecting on Friday night. This proved counter-productive, as I was (at the time) deeply disturbed by a budding romance involving my ex and an old friend.
I began to wonder why certain friends never talked to me anymore and I knew that it was not because of anything anyone did wrong. "People grow apart," they say. Who's leaving? I have done all I can to keep the friendship alive, and they lost interest. Still I hold on. This, obviously, is discounting all the times I hurt someone or they hurt me to the point where one or both parties called it quits. This is what I will refer to as the "faded friendship," you know, the one where, despite your efforts, it just dies. That seemed to happen to me a lot.
These thoughts led to curiousity about "fake friends," those who pretend to like you, but only when you're around. When you're not in the room, they forget about you or make fun of you. This may be an extension of the "faded friend." Essentially, the "fake friend" makes a person feel like dirt, or at least it has that effect on me.
Lastly, we have the "taken friend" who is either married, engaged, in a relationship, or rolls with someone else all the time. Again, types of friends can intertwine. It is strange indeed to have the vast majority of my friends engaged, married, expecting, in a relationship, or any combination of these. There are a few of us still out there still 'free' but even in that, people usually have some sort of wingman.
Between friendships that have been faked, faded, or taken over, a person must be left feeling more than a little lonely. It was still a mystery why I held on to all of these. Last night, awake in bed, it all became very clear to me. I can't even imagine how God feels. In institute we learned that God is always reaching out to us but we can let go whenever we want. I realised the similarity in my own relationships. I hold on, and others let go of me.
So as to avoid "playing the victim," I just want to say that it is nothing short of amazing to catch a small glimpse of Godly sorrow, and to face the reality of how He feels when I go astray. We all have our times when we fake, fade, or are taken over. How often do I wear modest clothing but have immodest thoughts or actions? How often do I just kinda do my own thing that doesn't involve the Lord? How often do I trust in someone or something that isn't God, and wonder why the results aren't the same?
I'm glad I cleared that up, and, by the way, I am in no way comparing myself to God. Life is good. |
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