2007

(originally posted on Myspace)

Sunday, January 06, 2008

2007 Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Well, despite my efforts, I won't be sleeping soon. So I just thought I would write a little somethin somethin to give props to 07, which was a GREAT year. Highlights -Country Dancing -"I was robbed by two men." -Boys -Spending my summer in a sort of exile that was my own paradise -My birthday bash -Seeing my brother at Christmas -Long talks with John -Moving to Cedar City -Extreme Sledding -The institute choir picking up music I had arranged over the summer -Halloween: a 5-day festival -Basketball, Hockey, and Football -All the late nights at edgehill 4 -Pie Night -Latin 1010 -My new hyundai who still has no name -Swimming with Alyssa in Dutch John -John giggling every time I said "dutch john" -Brooke being such a goofy roommate! I love her! -"Pole hopping" at Temple Square -The world's largest sleepover party -Being the "best man" at Chris's wedding then photos of me catching the boquet (I need to get my hands on those...) -The way I brought in 2007 and the way I let it go... MYSTERIES -Not dying of seizure in January -Not dying in my horriffic car accident -The fact that I didn't end up married by may -The fact that I never had a hospital trip from sledding -Allison is married??? -John. Need I say more? -Getting as high of grades as I did Spring Semester -Why did I stay so long at the fun park? -Since when am I more naturally talented at musical theatre than classical voice? LESSONS -Friendship is thicker than blood -Check your oil. Always. -Straw is good for growing dinosaurs -Do what you gotta do (like moving away from your kids, your friends, and a guy or five,) even if you kinda resent it. It will work out. -Faith has nothing to do with how much or how little we know; it is centered upon our willing to FOCUS on what we know, rather than focusing on what we don't know (think of peter) -Live it up. You've only got one shot, so you might as well do what you love. -Dish soap + eyes = horrible idea. -We can be whatever we want to be. If any of us had even the faintest idea of our true potential, we would never doubt. -It's perfectly healthy to spend some time alone. Why not multitask? You could try collecting your thoughts while at the gym, for example -When masses of LDS women get in a heated discussion about why men are slackers in dating, stay out of it, regardless of your opinion. (for those of you who remember that story haha) -Time is ours to become who we want to be. Our use of time defines who we are becoming (time was never money.) -I love you and do good things! Every day is an empty page. Write what you want. The sky is the limit! GO 2008!!! 11:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Goodbye

(originally posted on Myspace)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Goodbye As most of you know, I moved away from Logan today. I am currently in the transition between Logan and Cedar City. I want to pay tribute to the highlights of my years spent there. Old Main Hill Here's to the times we just rolled down on our walk to Chris's. We've done our share of good old sledding, and maybe more than our share of extreme sledding, ranging from everything to saucer circles to standing up to catastrophes in tree country. Here's to trash-bagging in the rain, and studying there in the spring. Oh, and let's not forget the incidents involving ground flowers and small fires. I can't throw. Sports We got a little crazy with the face paint at hockey games where we narrowly escaped many a severe bludgeoning from opposing teams and fans. Mike proposed to Jaime on center ice. We had our fun doing the Scotsman after knowing what we know about Japanese exercise videos. Heck, we've even started a mosh pit or two doing that dance. Country Dancing Country dancing was great but it was the afterparty that kept me going. Who knew what we would do after visiting the Fun Park wednesday nights? It always involved slurpees, that was constant, but who knew beyond that? Would we sneak into Hyrum Dam with random strangers? Would we play at a park and get chased by the cops? Would we lay on the grass by the temple doing stand-up and scaring the wits out of helpless females? It was always so exciting to anticipate what would come of the night. Fun Park/Pie Night Here's to working doubles on Saturdays to experience "death on a stick." The Friday night tradition became known as "pie night," and we laughed till we cried every time...especially Mitch. Some of us had such a love/hate relationship with that place...sometimes I wonder why people stay so long. As co-workers who had to suffer together, we also liked to have fun together watching movies at Nate's, having parties, or just hanging out. Relationships What a broad thing to talk about, but it's actually really simple. I have come across some amazing people who I feel will always be on my side, even after I'm gone. Here's to all the guys I dated, wanted to date, and let's not exclude "those I could do without." The last category includes the time a 40-year-old tricked me into going on a date with him, a couple stalkers, and people I just didn't like. Here's to the one that got away and the ones I'm glad I got away from. To the frienships based on love thicker than blood. We cried a lot of tears together and shared a million smiles. After all the parties, broken hearts, laughing fits, and hard times, I have found my friends to be the most loyal, awesome friends anyone could ever ask for. I love you all and will miss you. We've had such great times (like when Rich pushed me down the stairs, the time I became a fake true aggie, or when I tried to hop that pole at Temple Square.) It's been fun, Logan. Goodbye.

Today

(originally posted on Myspace)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Today Today started out to be a little stressful. My registration at SUU is going horribly and I can't shake the notion from my head that the girl who is buying my housing contract will bail on me. Still sick, I layed around for a while before going to study and work out. When I finally made it up to campus, I realised that I had forgotten my ID. So much for the gym and my recitation. I called SUU's registrar's office. She said she could hook me up. After a minor setback, she decided that it would take at least 2 weeks for my registration to go through, if it went through at all. Slightly more discouraged, I resolved to talk to my lender about my stafford loan and transferring universities. After speaking with several representatives, they all concluded that my loan is nowhere on record. Recap: I am finally admitted into SUU, but unable to register for most classes; my housing contract might not sell, costing me maybe $1400; I can't work out; and my student loan is missing in action. I had a lot of free time today and no homework. I had no desire to be social (weird, I know.) I thought about eating, and remembered the apples my mom gave me over thanksgiving. Maybe 15 apples sat on my counter, on the brink of spoiling. So I did the only thing I could: Today was "creative cooking with Kelsie." I made some seriously homemade "pie" except I didn't have a pie pan and I ran out of flour. Six hours later it is almost ready to come out of the oven. If the crust burns I'm gonna break someone's arm. All in all it's been an ok day. I listened to a lot of good music, I'm going sledding soon, and I am officially booking the cruise tonight. Woot.

Only Me

(originally posted on Myspace)

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Only Me Current mood: happy Category: Parties and Nightlife My eyes burn! From last night! Dish soap +eyes = horrible idea, but so much fun. I can't believe I forgot how good it feels to be alive. Yesterday, I was expecting my typical Friday: ditch most of my classes, run some errands, sit around waiting for people to go do stuff, and go with them. I always ended up bored even if I planned the activity. Last night was an Institute fiesta and I went with my friend Corrinne. When I walked in, I was tempted to walk back out. If you've seen the Singles' Ward, you might understand what I mean. If you haven't, just imagine a bunch of people who can't dance. They are trying to dance to music that isn't dance-able that I haven't heard for a good four years. Welcome to institute (ok that's a bit of an exaggeration.) Of course, we went and spent some time with Corrinne's friends (who, might I add, actually COULD dance,) and I felt really weird. Everyone was dancing and having fun, and then there was me. I used to dance. I used to tear it up, whether I looked good or not. It just...was me, but it died somehow. So last night, I really pushed myself to get into it and just let loose. It took some doing, but by the time we left, I had danced the center of the circle, met new people, and people cheered for me more than once. When Corrinnes friends wanted to leave, I was game for whatever. Now I have done a lot of crazy stuff involving Old Main Hill (including extreme sledding, mansliding, lighting it on fire, etc.) but this was completely awesome. Since it was raining, we (they) decided to go "trash bagging." On our way to get the trash bags, we encountered a couple fires complete with s'mores, so we joined and met some people. Leaving the scene, we found a group with the biggest longboard I had ever encountered. We invited them to join us at the hill and left. The girls went to change and I went with Eli and the boarders, who rode their board down old main hill. The bags arrived, and we put them on in a KKK fashion then soaked ourselves in dish soap. Run, pancake, slide! Good times. Some random guy I met at the Fiesta met us there, and we had foot races sliding down. Grass-stained, covered in soap, wet, and smelling like smoke, we went back to Ashlyn's to tell scary stories. I am proud to say that my true stories made all the girls not want to listen to any more. The guys were still interested, but I can tell them later. We called it a night after talking a little more with the lights on, mostly about voice lessons and music, and I caught a ride with New Guy Eric. Except he parked like a mile away, so along the way we chatted a little and got in the world's largest splashing war. Apparently, my splashes are weaksauce. Looking at photos and videos of last night, I wonder what on earth could have kept me from this. I look forward to seeing Corrinne's friends and the longboarders at the hockey game tonight. I'll be on the front row with face paint.

Unknown

(originally posted on Myspace)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Unknown Category: Religion and Philosophy Recently I discovered that faith is not about how much we know or don't know. It's about our willingness to focus on what we know instead of the unknown. So what do I know, aside from the answers I might give in Seminary? I know that I never prayed about coming to USU, majoring in Psychology or Liberal Arts, my classes, my jobs, my car. How did I overlook those HUGE decisions? Well, I slept well each night, my food nourished and strengthened my body, my...friend on a mission...was well looked-after, I studied well, passed tests, didn't wreck and die (at least when I remembered to pray about it,) and my soul was calm. I think I made the mistake of assuming that since I sought guidance in small things, the big things would be given guidance without my even asking for it. After all, God knew I wanted what was right. Then why didn't I ask for it? I know that the time is coming up for me to make some very real decisions and possibly restructure my life entirely. What the heck am I doing here? Am I really cut out for this much school? I have a class that really sucks. How much more of this will I take? Can I take? Should I transfer to another school? SUU sounds appealing and I have no idea why. I hate that school. Should I just stop going to school? Mission? Marriage? AAH! Focus on what you know. I know too much and this ADD is kicking my butt. What have I become? Is it who I ought to be? Sigh. Have faith, me.

Oneness

(originally posted on Myspace)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Oneness Category: Religion and Philosophy This blog is a follow-up to the previous titled "hurt." Don't worry if you didn't read it; the important parts wil be reiterated. The other day, I woke up with a horrible feeling. My first thoughts went to a special missionary who comes home in a month. I had dreamed the night before that he had, in every way, refused me and I was stuck alone. This dream may not prove to be too far from reality, as he seems to have joined another path already. Still I hold on. In an effort to calm myself, I turned my thoughts to what should have been more pleasant: Reflecting on Friday night. This proved counter-productive, as I was (at the time) deeply disturbed by a budding romance involving my ex and an old friend. I began to wonder why certain friends never talked to me anymore and I knew that it was not because of anything anyone did wrong. "People grow apart," they say. Who's leaving? I have done all I can to keep the friendship alive, and they lost interest. Still I hold on. This, obviously, is discounting all the times I hurt someone or they hurt me to the point where one or both parties called it quits. This is what I will refer to as the "faded friendship," you know, the one where, despite your efforts, it just dies. That seemed to happen to me a lot. These thoughts led to curiousity about "fake friends," those who pretend to like you, but only when you're around. When you're not in the room, they forget about you or make fun of you. This may be an extension of the "faded friend." Essentially, the "fake friend" makes a person feel like dirt, or at least it has that effect on me. Lastly, we have the "taken friend" who is either married, engaged, in a relationship, or rolls with someone else all the time. Again, types of friends can intertwine. It is strange indeed to have the vast majority of my friends engaged, married, expecting, in a relationship, or any combination of these. There are a few of us still out there still 'free' but even in that, people usually have some sort of wingman. Between friendships that have been faked, faded, or taken over, a person must be left feeling more than a little lonely. It was still a mystery why I held on to all of these. Last night, awake in bed, it all became very clear to me. I can't even imagine how God feels. In institute we learned that God is always reaching out to us but we can let go whenever we want. I realised the similarity in my own relationships. I hold on, and others let go of me. So as to avoid "playing the victim," I just want to say that it is nothing short of amazing to catch a small glimpse of Godly sorrow, and to face the reality of how He feels when I go astray. We all have our times when we fake, fade, or are taken over. How often do I wear modest clothing but have immodest thoughts or actions? How often do I just kinda do my own thing that doesn't involve the Lord? How often do I trust in someone or something that isn't God, and wonder why the results aren't the same? I'm glad I cleared that up, and, by the way, I am in no way comparing myself to God. Life is good.

Hurt

(originally posted on Myspace)

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Hurt Current mood: distressed The past few days have been really painful, if for no other reason than the fact that I feel completely and utterly alone on campus. I have made the decision to cling to my God, and I know all comfort is mine in that decision, but I can't help but feel a certain sense of longing. "It feels good to be single again in a college town," I tell Corrinne. And it does. I go where I want when I want with who I want and I don't have to worry about some fella always trying to hold me back. I don't do well with chains; I was born to fly. When friends came over the other day, they asked me why I never did any crazy stuff anymore. Because I'm flying solo. My freshman year sidekick is married in Orem, my sophomore year sidekick is...no longer part of the equation, and everyone else who qualifies for the once-coveted position is wrapped up in a binding relationship. Whether it's all my engaged friends, nearly engaged, married, or two soul sisters, I am, from every angle, the odd man out. So I could make new friends. It's what I'm good at, after all. I can only hang on to something for so long before it lets go of me and I have become a master at changing everything. I have moved 6 times in 2 years, had more jobs than I can remember, and I'm on my fourth car. Change is fun and all, but it's getting a little old. As for the "hanging on," I don't know why I do it. I am hanging on to a friendship that died over a year ago via wedding, a missionary who will probably take a different road when he comes home, and a safe bundle of lies to keep me believing that today is not spent alone in this world. I know it's asking a lot, but I would really just like to fit somewhere. The die-hard individualist has finally conceded. I just want to be part of something, to be able to hang out with friends without feeling weird, and knowing that they all love me (and I love them.) My conversation with Corrinne went along the lines of "I love being single because I get to play it up. I'm only cute and young once. I like to roll with the punches, so I don't get hurt hardly ever." I don't remember it being this hard to 'play the field.' So what if one of the prospectives brings some girl to my apartment? So what if an old friend is dating my ex? So what if I'm just that adventurous girl everyone loves, but doesn't want to date? Forget dating, I just want to be able to have a close friendship. Sigh; now I'm rambling. These things shouldn't matter to me, but they do. Happy weekend.

Dutch John

(originally posted on Myspace)

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Dutch John Hey all! Welcome, welcome! Greetings from Southwest Wyoming or northEast Utah. Or Northwest Colorado. Take your pick. Flaming Gorge Rocks! It's the most beautiful place I have been west of the mississippi. I absolutely love it here. Population 50. There isn't a lot to do here besides camp fish, work, play in the river, and work on summer projects. Right now I am RE reading the book of mormon and arranging hymns in a story-like medley, and typing, laminating, and binding old journals. This will be the summer of my legacy. I just wanted to say hello from the middle of nowhere and ask what everyone is up to. Let me know what your summer has in store for you!

The Sickness

(originally posted on Myspace)

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Sickness Current mood: sick As some of you know, I have been sick for a week and a half, and it just keeps getting worse. Rich insisted on buying me day-quil yesterday. I was very grateful, but it became bittersweet when I remembered my gag reflex and the reason I learned to swallow pills before I was 12. Kelsie vs. Day-quil Round 1. We showed up almost late for work Thursday night. I instantly went for the lemonade to chase away the aftertaste. After three sips of medicine (followed by much gagging and even more lemonade) it was finally gone. It wore off exactly four hours later, and I began coughing and sneezing. I couldn't breathe or walk very well. Round 2: NyQuil The most amazing stuff in the world. It took me 20 minutes to work up the courage, but I did it. Gross! It knocked me out though. It was nice until it wore off exactly four hours later. It's not fun to lay in bed dying at 5 am. I had piano lessons at 8:30 this morning and didn't have time for my oh-so-regular battle with day quil. Bad idea. You know it's bad when you mark your adventure from the UR building through the Fine Arts Building with "just make it to the next drinking fountain, the next chair." I was lucky to have drank so much water because just as I got home, I started coughing so hard I threw up. More than once. Luckily, I hadn't touched food in about 24 hours. Bile. Yum. Round 3. I slept for a long time and woke up at 1:30 to take some dayquil so I could make it to choir at 2:30. I am almost to the point where I don't even care about the taste. It still took 3 sips, but went over much more smoothly. Then back to bed. 2:10. Time to get ready for choir. I've basically been in bed for four days, but I decided it was a good idea for me to try to sing. I lasted about 7 minutes. And I was only pretending to sing. So I came home to sleep. Again. Upon waking up, I found my head throbbing. It's strange. It's not a headache; it feels like I actually hit my head on something. Then there are the occasional stabbing pains in my brainstem. I think I have a tumor. Hopefully I will be better by my concert in a week. Sigh. In the last four days I've spent a grand total of about 10 hours NOT in bed. I've noticed a few very interesting things. I don't like fashion programs. They really really bother me. Masking a person's fears and inadequicies is sort of the opposite of what I do. I don't mean to offend, but I don't think clothing matters as much as the light behind a person's eyes. And I especially don't like shows about the "superstars." I don't think they're super-stars. I think they're just like everyone else. They, for the most part, have not proved their integrity, passion, or kindness, yet they get a lot of glory. It really bothers me. Aparently, I dream in Spanish and wake up speaking it. I'm grateful for this hacking cough because I know it's not big enough to make me throw up. I'm especially grateful for Mitch for always switching me shifts so I can get hours without killing myself off. I'm grateful for Rich for making me promise that I would take medicine. Most of all, I'm grateful for this bed that has been with me through some pretty rough times. Haha.

Home Part 2

(originally posted on Myspace)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Home part 2 Current mood: determined Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Ok so when I got here, I posted a blog about how good it is to be home, but home is just a state of mind. I have, since then, spent several long hours utterly alone with just a journal, book (my favourite book, The Tao of Pooh) and scriptures. I didn't use the books nearly as much as I used my heart and the pen. I thought about it for a long time, and I said what everyone knew I would end up saying sooner or later. "Utah is not home to me." At least it doesn't feel like home. Was "home" meant to cause worlds of stress? Did someone design home so that we would have to struggle between job1, job2, school, friends, and starvation/sleep deprivation? My answer would be a resounding no, and I posed the question to myself: Kelsie, what have you done? Surely I am not the only one who has strayed from home. In an eternal sense, the previous statement scares me to death. What do we have to do to get back? To get back to the place when we were happy and we cared about things that actually mattered, rather than stressing about things we despised from the beginning (work, school, etc.) I refuse to believe that this is a necessary part of life. Part of the process? I think not. Sure there are a lot of uptight, middle-aged people out there, but they're old and tired in their hearts. Mine is still restless and on fire. Would I, or anyone else, really wish to have that fire die down and become plastic, a machine working for bills that will never be paid? We finally get out of debt then decide what we spent all of our time, money, and stress on wasn't good enough for people of our financial status? We buy more. The cycle ends here. In my last blog, I wrote about how happy I was that I found my heart. What I didn't take into account is that my heart will always be restless. I'm ready to leave this place. Forget school, forget marriage, forget work. What about my life? Whatever happened to inner youth? I figure I can go to school any time. Married, single, whatever. Now is the only chance I have to live it up. I'm not talking about a trip to salt lake. I'm moving to new england. New York, most likely. Why, oh why, did I ever decide to shove myself into a box and force-feed myself motivation? The motivation has long-since faded. I love change, yet I went to school for the past fourteen-and-a-half years? LAME! I only have one shot at this. I want to live in Spain, visit India, catch fireflies in Georgia. My home is everywhere, because that's where my heart is. I refuse to chain myself down; why should I when I have wings? I don't belong here. Dum vivimus, vivamus. -Oh, and, surprise, I don't see marriage anytime in my near future. I have too much to see.-