Saturday, November 25, 2006
 | Home part 2 Ok so when I got here, I posted a blog about how good it is to be home, but home is just a state of mind. I have, since then, spent several long hours utterly alone with just a journal, book (my favourite book, The Tao of Pooh) and scriptures. I didn't use the books nearly as much as I used my heart and the pen. I thought about it for a long time, and I said what everyone knew I would end up saying sooner or later. "Utah is not home to me." At least it doesn't feel like home. Was "home" meant to cause worlds of stress? Did someone design home so that we would have to struggle between job1, job2, school, friends, and starvation/sleep deprivation? My answer would be a resounding no, and I posed the question to myself: Kelsie, what have you done? Surely I am not the only one who has strayed from home. In an eternal sense, the previous statement scares me to death. What do we have to do to get back? To get back to the place when we were happy and we cared about things that actually mattered, rather than stressing about things we despised from the beginning (work, school, etc.) I refuse to believe that this is a necessary part of life. Part of the process? I think not. Sure there are a lot of uptight, middle-aged people out there, but they're old and tired in their hearts. Mine is still restless and on fire. Would I, or anyone else, really wish to have that fire die down and become plastic, a machine working for bills that will never be paid? We finally get out of debt then decide what we spent all of our time, money, and stress on wasn't good enough for people of our financial status? We buy more. The cycle ends here. In my last blog, I wrote about how happy I was that I found my heart. What I didn't take into account is that my heart will always be restless. I'm ready to leave this place. Forget school, forget marriage, forget work. What about my life? Whatever happened to inner youth? I figure I can go to school any time. Married, single, whatever. Now is the only chance I have to live it up. I'm not talking about a trip to salt lake. I'm moving to new england. New York, most likely. Why, oh why, did I ever decide to shove myself into a box and force-feed myself motivation? The motivation has long-since faded. I love change, yet I went to school for the past fourteen-and-a-half years? LAME! I only have one shot at this. I want to live in Spain, visit India, catch fireflies in Georgia. My home is everywhere, because that's where my heart is. I refuse to chain myself down; why should I when I have wings? I don't belong here. Dum vivimus, vivamus. -Oh, and, surprise, I don't see marriage anytime in my near future. I have too much to see.- |
determined 